Written by Lucy's Husband...a man with a skewed sense of humor.  Enjoy!

The Fab Four In England

We land back in Gatwick and rent a car from Europcar, pretty decent folks.  Being Americans, we supersize our rental to a minivan for all the summer clothing we didn’t use in Spain.  Directions to the hotel are simple.  Driving is not.

We head out on the M23 motorway to M25, then to A327, getting lost in Epson twice.  That first day I refer to as the “Drive of Terror”.  I kept veering to the left because my bearings (and the controls in the car) were all reversed.  A typical maneuver would be:

“OK, take the roundabout to the left, signal (wipers go on), oh crap, SLOW DOWN, which left? You’re VEERING again! (cars honk) Sorry, sorry! OK signal again (downshifts) Oops, dangit, SPEED UP!”  It didn’t help that the standard road width inEnglandis 1.5 lanes (or 1.5 “carriageways” in English), that cars don’t signal, and motorcycles don’t stop…period.  It’s a constant game of Chicken you play when you drive.

I had the joy of clipping a roadwork (construction barricade for US citizens) with my passenger mirror; fortunately the mirror was hinged and swung back.  My wife in the passenger seat, however, was unhinged.  I also had the opportunity to drive on the sidewalk, narrowly missing a woman and her baby.  

Once we check into the Richmond Hotel (we flip the car on its side and slide it into motorcycle parking), we find that it’s a beautiful place with a quaint charm (every floorboard creaks).  I try to find Lil’s publisher by getting directions from the Front Desk; finding out that my worst translation problems are inEngland. 

“It’s on Five Star Road”, I’m told.

“OK”, I say, writing down Five-Star Road and showing it to the person, “This name?”.

“No, it’s Four Star Road.”

“Oh.” I make the change.  “This?”

“Yes.”

We never find the road, but managed to get Lil somewhere in the vicinity via parachute.  After a marvelous meeting with her publisher, Lil shows me the road we were looking for on a different map: Friar’s Style Road.  It figures.

Great Expectations

After a couple days, we drive over toRochesterand Strood inEast England, for the best part of the vacation.  This is of course after looking for hours for “Central Reservation” road, when in reality, “central reservation” means a center lane or median.  Finally, we meet up with Maggie,Gary, and their son Conner, and have the best time ever.  They live within King’s Orchard, which is in the center of all the historical buildings, including the Rochester Castle, Cathedral, historical downtown (actually, the ONLY downtown), and beautiful parks and attractions (including all the buildings referred to in Charles Dicken’s “Great Expectations” and the oldest British pub).  These folks went 200% to make us feel at home; cooked us English breakfasts every morning, took us around to see the sights, chatted up a storm…it was fantastic!  The weather was blue skies and warm every day.  Garytook me and the kids over to Broadstairs on the coast and we had Fish n’ Chips, the best.  Maggie, meanwhile, took Lil to see two businessmen beat the tar out of each other in a taxi queu.  That visit, we made some new great friends, and it really changed our vacation for the best.  Hats off to those folks!

Many Happy Returns

We regretfully take our leave after several days, and drove back toCrownePlazanear Heathrow.  After checking in, I realize that I left one of our bags back at our friend’s flat.  The bag that has our checkbook, tickets, pills, receipts…everything.  Gary, being the good friend that he is, suggested meeting halfway, so we met up at the RoadChef in Clacket Lane, where I got a “hot dog”.  During this time, I also discovered that the British use Crop Circles to plan their next roundabouts.

The next day, we fly back to the US, only getting minor difficulties in getting Zach’s Samurai swords (decoration only, I swear) through Customs.  “That’s right Officer; these 3-foot swords are toys for my son.”

I’m expecting to get out in about 6 months, with good behavior.

(Osborne Bull picture by Matthew Carden, Crop Circlephoto by Lucy Pringle, Magic Circleroundabout picture courtesy of SwindonWeb)